Further downward

 The mind is a powerful thing.  Science has shown that thinking different thoughts literally changes the brain structure and chemistry and can 'rewire' it.  There are examples of victims of abuse experiencing dissociative amnesia where the trauma is significant enough for a person to extract it from their memory completely.  In some instances they will create new memories to replace the repressed experiences and live in a world that their mind has devised with no clue of the true reality.  You also hear stories of amputees experiencing phantom limb syndrome where they literally feel pain in the appendages that have been removed and no longer there. 

 It's hard for me to explain to anyone how I was successful in a short-lived attempt to carry on normally.  I have always been stubborn and strong willed.  Whenever I put my mind to something, I am going to follow through with it til the bitter end.  No one wants to be sick or in pain, I was desperate to have everything return to normal and did whatever it took to get there.  I had bits of relief due to Vicodin and Prednisone that allowed my insane behaviors to continue.  Yet it was my powerful mind that created the greatest substance to help me cope.  Denial became my drug.  The more I took of it, the more everything was going to be okay and it was incredibly addicting.

The weeks prior to my emergency room visit, I had been going to the track, doing calisthenics, working out as usual.  I was afraid to get off track.  I had been sitting around too much during the week I had fevers and “strep” throat, I didn’t want to get out of shape.  So I jumped back in right where I left off.  I noticed I felt a little more sore than usual, and bit more stiff than usual.  I convinced myself it was because I had been too lazy while I was sick, sitting around, doing nothing.  I just needed ride the pain out for a bit, and I’d be back to normal in no time.  I was surprised at how much this little strep infection had taken out of me.  My hips, knees and ankles were sore, but I was a runner, and I have had pain similar to this before. Yet, the pain didn’t go away.  After a few days of running, I felt pain in places I’ve never felt sore before, in muscles and joints that I had barely even used in my workouts.  I felt like I was developing tennis elbow; I had never had pain in my elbow a day in my life. I took a couple days off from my workouts to let my body rest, and to finish my ten days of antibiotics. By day ten of antibiotics, I started to feel okay. 

As I laid in my bedroom staring at the ceiling I thought about my recent vacation to the coast of California.  All the stress of being sick and working a demanding job had really gotten to me. I went out of town to a much milder climate in the Malibu area to visit a friend and get my mind off my winter blues.  Even though I was starting to feel a little better, I began to notice I was breaking out on my forehead.  I was kind of embarrassed to go out on the town and to been seen by my good looking guy pal who lived there.  I showed him a lump that was beginning to form on my ankle.  He thought it might be a bug bite.

I couldn’t keep up all the physical activity for long.  The pain got worse and worse.  At work, I couldn’t get up out of my chair by simply standing. I had to push myself up with my arms to stand.  And at home, before I knew it, I had to pull myself up off the floor by grabbing onto the beam.  I was rapidly and progressively getting worse by the day.  My ability to keep up my coping mechanism was diminishing.